shovelwithasprout

i ordered a new laptop last weekend. it took a couple days to arrive, but when it did i immediately set it up. if you're curious, it is a thinkpad t14s (gen 1 & with the amd chip). this is kind of a big deal for me as

1. it's my first electronic i've bought with my own money
2. my previous laptop was highkey falling apart

what i hope comes out of this new laptop are more updates to this site, because although it's usually a while before anything happens here, that doesn't mean i don't think about this place. it's too personal for me to just let it collect dust on the web. with my previous laptop, it felt like a chore to boot it up and maintain a charge (the battery had to be replaced, and the charging port is rather defective at times). now, though, i can plop in some random 40w usb-c charger and i'm good to go! (typing this while using a school-issued chromebook charger as my only thinkpad charger)

i still want to write more but i think i will wait a hot second until i take another creative writing class. then i can upload my stories here :)

as a thanks for reading, here's some recent art projects!

i'm on vacation as i write this and some pretty silly stuff has happened. Usually i don't write in my blog unless i'm feeling sad, or i've made a realization, or whatever else, but right now i actually have something to talk about! so i don't have any excuses!

for some background information, i'm currently at an airbnb. my immediate and extended family all pitched in to afford it for about a week long vacation. However, on the second day of getting here, it begain raining.

i was texting my friend during most of this, so i will be supplimenting my recollection with the chatlog. (ignore my username please..!)

i was actually updating my website when i sent this message. i had music playing and the rain served as perfect ambiance for me to focus. i formatted my little nightmares page around this time, actually. but my work was interrupted again by a message on my phone.

oh.

no bueno.

well surely that's just a bad storm,, right?

i kept at my website, tweaking the margins and transparency. this ironically was one of the more productive sessions i've had recently.

the rain just kept pounding harder. little did i know in the moment, but my stepmom was about to burst in the room asking for help. so... she opened the door and told everybody to come to the basement to help deflood the basement.

i came downstairs to my family using any spare towels they could + buckets and dustpans to scoop, squeeze, and soak any water leaking through the basement windows away from the furniture. thankfully, there were a lot of people helping so nothing got too soaked and there was a sink nearby to dump the water into, but it still wasn't easy.

the cleaners / maintenance people were called and estimated to be about twenty minutes away. then the bucket began leaking. it was made for recycling, not water. we surrounded the base with towels before using other buckets to pail out any water remaining inside. soon after, i was free to head but upstairs and chill out.

i only found out while eating dinner later that night that the cleaners took probably an hour to get here. not the twenty minutes that was advertised.

and yeah so problem solved. this airbnb apparently had really good reviews so nobody would've expected this. it turns out the original cause of the issue was bad construction + the "egress windows" (i'm assuming the basement windows) didn't have a rain cover.

media suggestions

i'm gonna start a new section below every blog, and it's to highlight recent songs, videos, movies, etc that i've enjoyed and recommend.

AMAMA - Crumb is both a great album and amazing song. i actually considered having AMAMA (the song, not the album) autoplay upon entering my site (because it fits the mood) but i am not a paid member of neocities nor do i plan on self-hosting / switching hosts. i've always loved Crumb's music so when i saw they had a new album i nearly jumped out of my seat.

kpop demon hunters is one of my new favorite movies. i will not say much about it because i don't want you to be spoiled and i am also running out of creative fuel for tonight but i will say that this movie has amazing music, humor, and art. the writing feels ever-so-slightly rushed at times, but that was due to the movie's plot being shortened after the original idea being finalized. i could be wrong. idk i linked the wikipedia page if you want to read more about it. highly recommend and you should watch it immediately (pirate it if you can't afford it, here you go shshsh...).

picture this, for a long while. the sea breeze wafting through the air, intercepted by the visions of green lush and blue vast. descriptions of what has been and has not been, untouched by your prescence. and brought up by mine. why is it that i must stand across the distance, looking in? why is it that the distractions tip over a scale, as though life itself must be some grand balancing act? why is it that i must pretend to be, in my own corner unscathed from the touch of strangers? why, in my small life, is there the unknown?

the things i do not know don't make me weary yet when i think about the vast other it sends chills down my spine. the little time i own slips through my rapidly aging and weathered fingers, smelling of mildew, shaking every so slightly. is it better to wonder? or to be present? to write about the abstract feelings that only show up once i conjure them, so surely they must be fiction? the long stream of thoughts i think and type as though this was my calling, but looking back this must be stupid. what amount of 'profound' could this be when it is nothing more than a list and questions? sprinkle in an observation, sure, but what difference could it make it five years? ten? nothing touching this will be the same forever. everything rots and ages and there's nothing i can do to stop it. there's nothing, not even death, that can cure my fear of the unknown.

the trees with green and blue and brown sway forevermore in the fictional wind, on a fictional island, conjured once again by my mind as a result of some stupid blog for an invisible audience most present in the theater of my mind. their existence is not tangible nor important but it stands and connects my thoughts together. i can't not think about the things which i fear or the things i do not know. which will it be? the void or the light? know nothing and live with no fear, or learn everything yet fear all the more, as you, once knowing, will always fear what else there may be and it will hold you in its grasp until you are never to be unwound. fear, the unknown, the sea salt air, everything that is or was, it doesn't matter.

and yet here i sit, on the other end of the screen. unable to function without schedules, deadlines, busywork to keep me away from the existential dread of the unknown and nothing. i myself can feel it inside, the unknown enraptures me and tickles my soul.

it's been a long while since i've updated my blog.. and really it's me to blame. it's been a bit of a bumpy couple weeks, but not for any reason in particular. all i have to say is that i'm here now. currently i write this in the basement of a friend's house. it is near midnight and some show is playing on the tv that i pay no mind to. once calm and comfortable a couch seems just slightly too mushy and the once background noise seems too loud for comfort. it's been months since i've cried real tears. and i've held it all in again.

i have watched two movies tonight alone. first, being smile 2, good movie. second, i saw the tv glow, amazing movie. it's hard to love something when it's openly criticized, especially by somebody close to you. it is hard to put my feelings to words when they always slip away, but "i saw the tv glow" finally managed to catch it. this movie is perfect at specifically one thing in my eyes. bringing 'it' to light. my repressed feelings that stay hidden no matter how hard i try. i say the same thing again and again but it will only become more apparent as i bash it into the skull of anybody who reads. to the near 1000 viewers of this website, i urge you, with all of my might, to watch this movie. it could be alone, it could be with a loved one. i don't care. please.

when tomorrow comes i'm going home.

you know those days when just everything feels so hard to do? like the stuff you used to love the most just feels like a chore. i come back to this website every once in a while because i want to add and add and add until i have something to look back on, so there's my motivation for this specific project, but what else? oh, i wanted to write a short story? no, thanks. i don't want to anymore. i bought 'paradise killer' because i was intereseted in the mystery of the game? well too bad because now every time i stare at that bright green play button i am just reminded of all the times i've tried to get past the main menu and just can't. i can't anymore. i can't create things i've created for a long time, nor can i really focus on something interactive. it feels like the media i used to consume and the hobbies i would pour hours into are leaving me behind. like a slow pull into a black hole, gaining inertia until there's no possible way back out, i'm stuck.

what i end up doing, however, usually turns to mindless configuring and setup. if you weren't aware, i use linux (endeavouros) and it's been great for me. it allows me to be more productive than i ever could with windows, especially now with my latest venture. i use a tiling window manager, which is basically just the bare minimum you need for a desktop, plus a taskbar. i use shortcuts to do a lot of the things i normally would do with a mouse, and i can't go back. but as i was saying earlier, i spend the majority of my free time just changing and tweaking how everything's setup to appease my appetite for more. i want it to be sleeker, smoother, add a gimmick, some new colors, change the keybinds. it's never enough for me though. i did this with emulation too, spending double the time figuring out how to emulate games rather than just playing them when they are set up. with music, creating my own library and never using an mp3 player, opting instead for apple music because it's right there. i can't just take what i have for what it is because i have some ungodly desire to take what i have and expand upon it. i would give anything in the world to just be able to sit with my things and be content with what i have, maybe i don't need linux to be happy, who cares if windows may be a little bit wonky. why should i care if there's a new desktop environment? i reset my system so often for so long that i learned that i don't really need any of my files, they just aren't important to me. and if they are? mega cloudservice. it's stupid how my little 'tinkering' really is just distraction from the fact that i can't enjoy the things i once loved. it all seems pointless when i can't just let go of my outside thoughts and be absorbed by media.

thank whatever gods you believe in that i'm getting therapy soon. until next time.

i think i have brainworms because i am FIGHTING myself on whether or not i should just casually rewrite my entire website. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh is the right answer because i literally haven't had this website for 3 months yet as of writing this. i'm gonna freak.

now if i do rewrite parts of my website i want to focus on making everything seem a lil bit more polished and dynamic. also idk if this is really doable but it looks so bad on mobile firefox its crazy. nevermind it also looks weird on safari.

also if you've ever played on the wii u you should consider homebrewing it actually. i say this because i have just recently dumped minecraft off onto my laptop so i can play the glide minigame as much as i please (hours a day). this is great and bad because i haven't had a free day in two weeks so i'm really tired but i still want to play minecraft glide!!!!

i feel like this blog isn't really a spot to put longer essay-like pages. so...... maybe in the future if i put my mind to it i'll make some other page about like personal essays or longer literature ig. uhmmmm i don't think i have anything else to say as of rn so i'm going to go ahead and not say anything. buh-bye you freaks. <3 <3

hi hi hello hi!! if you like the way i write i have some big news. i got an ao3 account!!!! i'll link my account here but i'm working on a mlm trans fic based on the book "hell followed with us" by andrew joseph white (great book you should read it). the first chapter's in its drafts but come back in a week and there it'll sit for me to expand upon. i've had this acc for about a week or two i just have been desperately searching for a fandom to write about. when i discovered (more like i listened to a reccomendation) benji and his tragic gay story i just couldn't resist falling in love.

almost like karma, starting up my hobby as a fanfic author does add yet another thing to my plate. and uhh i'm not proud to say that i was at one point going to audition for allstate choir, but i dropped out. i was absent so often that i was gone more than i was present, so i kind of needed to drop out anyway. it was fun but it sucked for like three reasons.

1. getting up that early every day is exhausting. i had to get up at like 6 am and let me tell you i am not a morning person.
2. so i'm like kind of an inbetween of tenor/alto, but its really just a toss up of whether i want a better tone but i have to ghost half the notes (which means i just don't sing them), or i can sing alto which i can hit all of the notes, but i sometimes have issues with tension and tone. i'd rather sing alto but i was auditioning as tenor for allstate, yikes.
3. allstate rehearsal everyday is really hard on your voice, like it constantly felt like i was recovering from a cold or something. 2/10 not great.

i like allstate, but this year just wasn't it for me. maybe i'll do band allstate next year. for now i'll just enjoy my newly gained hour of sleep in the mornings.

now for some rapid fire. first, i'm considering making my own font for this website so it's moreso like my own handwriting. second, i've got a sick ass homecoming dress + corset that im super excited to wear. third, that musical i'm in, "Between the Lines", it's soooooo good. some of those songs are bangers you just gotta search for them. so far my favorite is 'can't get them out' (may not be an exact title). also, i'm soon going to take a class for javascript (probably) and that means one thing this website probably needs. movement!!! i'll get around to it someday :).

now that i'm done ranting, bye bye my distant readers !! <3 <3

hiya!!!! my code editor was broken for a while but i'm back now and i'm going to start a course at school soon to learn javascript, i think? so expect mildly impressive things in the future as i'm learning. in other news, i gotta warn about eating disorders as they make a lil appearance.

so my school is starting rehearsals for this new musical called 'between the lines', i recommend you check it out. i've got this top that absolutely snatches my waist, like SNATCHED. it's giving rennaisance fair. it's also a workout to get on and off. if i remember right, it's got about 7-8 different clips up the front that sinch it in. it's great to see myself when im wearing things like that, yaknow? but it was almost too small and i was considering doing more portion control to make sure it would fit. it's almost like a possible relapse, i've been eating better but now it's reappeared in my mind. so, my plan is to get a therapist. that's right, folks, therapy !!!! i don't want to underplay eating disorders so i won't say much more but if you do ever think about portion control or whatever else, please do tell someone.

right, well i also have some other crazy news, wacky silly bonkers news. if you've ever heard of the wonderful site of ao3, and tried to make an account, you would know that there's an waitlist to join. and guess what. i made an account. i can't wait to make some trashy romance! i just need a good fandom to draw inspo from, so as always the guestbook is open for any suggestions.

surprisingly, i haven't faced many issues at all for coming out to my school. i'd say that most of the students outside of my grade don't even know i'm trans, they just see me as a girl. it's funny, today somebody referred to me as "she? honestly i don't know" and then everybody started going "her?" "her." "him?" "her." now i know i am very lucky for my position, as while it's a largely conservative town there are still a lot of accepting people. as i've been steadily outing myself (not through directly being like "hey chat i'm a girl", more so just my friends hinting to it in conversation) nobody has really commented on it. woahhhhh maybe i was too worried for my own good?? i lost my train of thought so erm.

as always, umm thanks for reading this! i may upload more cats sometime soon. <3 <3

would it really be that surprising if i told you this was/is my biggest venture into programming i've ever done? probably not. what i have as of writing this is a static, barebones site with a limited amount of content and some basic theming. i am scared of iframes and javascript. what i really need help with is figuring out what i can add to this website to make it a larger project, as i can't just rehash the same 5 .html pages again and again. (which i kinda should considering how weirdly they're formatted) i need ideas, people! and erm i'm not the most creative person.

really, this is more of a 'call to action' than real blog post, if you are reading this please look at my guestbook and suggest things that need changed, cool things to add, literally anything. i should respond relatively often and i really would appreciate it! goodbye once more as i will probably go work on something else, traveler. <3 <3

hey there! been a while. i want to talk about something more serious. trigger warnings for eating disorders, transphobia, dysphoria, and mental illness below, stay safe internet folk.

now for some context, i am starting highschool. the small town i live in is fairly conservative, as in half if not the majority of the people there don't interact with or really agree with trans people and their views/rights/respect. my class is about 190 people, yet i would wager that at most 70 (this is a stretch) of them would respect me in my transition.

speaking of my transition, i would say that i'm about as far as i could be pre-op. this is not to say that i've been transitioning for very long. as much as i don't want to reveal my exact age, i essentially have to for the purpose of explanation. so, i originally started questioning my gender during our town's production of the musical Bye Bye Birdie (i recommend it, it's got some good songs). as rehearsals went on i had a friend cut me out of that "every boy wants to be perceived like a girl, right?" phase and bluntly told me i was in denial. i do thank them because if they weren't there to help me make sense of my gender i might still be questioning myself today. redirecting, i was casted for ensemble for that musical during the summer leading to 7th grade. at the time, my identity was extremely unsteady so i had decided to think about things for longer. my pronouns were just anything, and i hadn't learned fashion, makeup, and hadn't even considered voice training. my only plan was to grow out my hair, and hope.

moving on, my mom had rewed somewhere between the beginning of 7th grade and the end of the summer leading to 8th grade. because this was obviously a big deal to her, she wanted her kids to look good for pictures. she wanted to cut my hair as a part of this, to my objection. while at the time i trusted her with my hair, she had taken my hair and given me a buzzcut. if i were to remember anything from this, it would be the tears after and her apologies, whether sincere or not, i didn't really care about them at the time. from then on, i had my eyes set on growing out my hair and approaching femininity. and that's really all i did, until puberty started affecting my voice. i didn't notice at first, but other people did. especially, and this is a memory i remember clearly, when my friend's (same friend as before) mom had noticed it. i remember her being shocked, saying "i hear your voice is deepening!" while it had caused me embarrassment and shame. i didn't want this. around this period i had begun my first attempt at vocal training, to raise and achieve a feminine voice. i got good enough by the end of 8th grade that my voice was closer to the girls' than the boys'. i won't talk about my family in this post, but let's say that i was outed during this same time.

in retrospect, this was about the happiest i had felt about myself since even before Bye Bye Birdie and all the negative affects puberty had caused me, but as teens grow more conscious of their surroundings, they grow more conscious of themself. during the summer between 8th and 9th grade, i had started to weigh myself on a regular basis, and had started thinking more about what and how much i eat. i never understood breakfast, so i would usually eat more during lunch and dinner to make up for a missed breakfast, but this wasn't the same type of meal skipping as before. summer enabled my bad and newly formed habits. i substituted a lunch for small snacks. i limited how much i ate, to about 2/3's of before. by this time, i thought that i was in the clear, i couldn't have an eating disorder, right? i don't weigh myself anymore, so surely its over. i wish that i was right. the same cuttings of food continued, i would sleep in until 2pm, snack until 6pm, eat dinner until i was 80% full, sometimes snack after, then sleep. the cycle repeated, worsening gradually. my instinct to eat until i couldn't eat more was suppressed, and i stopped having "cheat days". one day i had been talking to a sibling, about how i thought about food. she had noticed the way i talked about food was startilingly similar to how another friend of her's had, and they had anorexia. i confessed that i might have something, but that it didn't seem to impact me greatly.

two weeks ago, i had a physical. nothing happened that was worth further inspection, but my weight had dropped 10-15 pounds from the last time i had weighed myself. it was a shock to me, still is, but i'm right on the cusp of underweight. i'm still early in a possible eating disorder, so i can still work my way out without any consequences, but i've never talked to anybody about it professionally. only the occasional blurt with somebody close and i don't elaborate further. it does scare me, how this may progress. i've heard of other people with anorexia who are deeply misguided in their perception of themself, thinking 60 lbs. is too fat.

on a different, more societal topic, this is the first school year i will out myself to my school. of course, legislation makes it hard to do that when my mom doesn't want any pronouns changed until 18 (thanks, mom..). my classmates and even relatives will actively demean those queer or trans/nonbinary, etc. anybody different from them. they are quick to figure out who is different, and while some aren't as right-leaning, it is more common than not to talk bad behind a trans classmate's back about their "audacity" and how they are "delusional". i've already heard of them talking bad about me, way before now, by a cousin of mine i used to be close with. it especially is hard for me when i am the only transfem (except for a boy-moder who is still very much closeted) in the entire high-school. my safe haven of students is enough that i am not physically threatened, but i'm overwhelmed by the mass majority who aren't educated or are bigoted about my existence. i may come back in a month, and talk about this specific topic, but if i don't just assume i'm okay! :)

whew! longest blog by far, took me maybe 30 mins to an hour to write this, plus i have to be up at 7 am tomorrow and its currently 4:12 am as i write this. i love you all, and i promise i'll add a guestbook somewhat soon! toodles!

there are some days that i am glad i picked up my job at the local fareway in my small town, but usually those are few and far between. if you weren't aware, the average minor isn't paid an awful lot for what they work. but working for $9.75 an hour is my best way to earn money at this point in time. it just doesn't feel right, to me. i had expected the initial dread of showing up to go away after a week, then maybe a month, and now it's been almost two. the worst part? this seems to be a common experience. i can tell that other people at fareway are tired, too. we use it to bond by simply complaining about our commitments without trying to solve our hangups.

that's not to say that i get along with everybody there. there's some specific employees who are passive agressive, rude, two-faced, etc. but in retrospect they are probably just like that as a result of being tired of work. with the state of america today it feels like being burnt out is being succesful. work is life in capitalism but it is also the enemy. a common evil. that is, until you find out what type of work you enjoy most. in the future, i don't want work to be seen as my enemy. i wish to befriend it, by finding some hobby that fits me best.

for my first blog post, i wanted to start off strong, but i've actually never done a blog before. i never even wanted to for the longest time. it's still a little bit surreal to me, writing my own website, like i haven't processed what i've been doing for the past 3 days. of course this website is nowhere near finished, but i would like to think that it is getting closer to what i wanted in the first place every day. it was actually a struggle writing this, i wanted to talk about everything at once and it's hard to focus on one thing. For now, goodbye my little internet dwellers! <3 <3