you know those days when just everything feels so hard to do? like the stuff you used to love the most just feels like a chore. i come back to this website every once in a while because i want to add and add and add until i have something to look back on, so there's my motivation for this specific project, but what else? oh, i wanted to write a short story? no, thanks. i don't want to anymore. i bought 'paradise killer' because i was intereseted in the mystery of the game? well too bad because now every time i stare at that bright green play button i am just reminded of all the times i've tried to get past the main menu and just can't. i can't anymore. i can't create things i've created for a long time, nor can i really focus on something interactive. it feels like the media i used to consume and the hobbies i would pour hours into are leaving me behind. like a slow pull into a black hole, gaining inertia until there's no possible way back out, i'm stuck.
what i end up doing, however, usually turns to mindless configuring and setup. if you weren't aware, i use linux (endeavouros) and it's been great for me. it allows me to be more productive than i ever could with windows, especially now with my latest venture. i use a tiling window manager, which is basically just the bare minimum you need for a desktop, plus a taskbar. i use shortcuts to do a lot of the things i normally would do with a mouse, and i can't go back. but as i was saying earlier, i spend the majority of my free time just changing and tweaking how everything's setup to appease my appetite for more. i want it to be sleeker, smoother, add a gimmick, some new colors, change the keybinds. it's never enough for me though. i did this with emulation too, spending double the time figuring out how to emulate games rather than just playing them when they are set up. with music, creating my own library and never using an mp3 player, opting instead for apple music because it's right there. i can't just take what i have for what it is because i have some ungodly desire to take what i have and expand upon it. i would give anything in the world to just be able to sit with my things and be content with what i have, maybe i don't need linux to be happy, who cares if windows may be a little bit wonky. why should i care if there's a new desktop environment? i reset my system so often for so long that i learned that i don't really need any of my files, they just aren't important to me. and if they are? mega cloudservice. it's stupid how my little 'tinkering' really is just distraction from the fact that i can't enjoy the things i once loved. it all seems pointless when i can't just let go of my outside thoughts and be absorbed by media.
thank whatever gods you believe in that i'm getting therapy soon. until next time.