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august 22, 2024
hey there! been a while. i want to talk about something more serious. trigger warnings for eating disorders, transphobia, dysphoria, and mental illness below, stay safe internet folk.
now for some context, i am starting highschool. the small town i live in is fairly conservative, as in half if not the majority of the people there don't interact with or really agree with trans people and their views/rights/respect. my class is about 190 people, yet i would wager that at most 70 (this is a stretch) of them would respect me in my transition.
speaking of my transition, i would say that i'm about as far as i could be pre-op. this is not to say that i've been transitioning for very long. as much as i don't want to reveal my exact age, i essentially have to for the purpose of explanation. so, i originally started questioning my gender during our town's production of the musical Bye Bye Birdie (i recommend it, it's got some good songs). as rehearsals went on i had a friend cut me out of that "every boy wants to be perceived like a girl, right?" phase and bluntly told me i was in denial. i do thank them because if they weren't there to help me make sense of my gender i might still be questioning myself today. redirecting, i was casted for ensemble for that musical during the summer leading to 7th grade. at the time, my identity was extremely unsteady so i had decided to think about things for longer. my pronouns were just anything, and i hadn't learned fashion, makeup, and hadn't even considered voice training. my only plan was to grow out my hair, and hope.
moving on, my mom had rewed somewhere between the beginning of 7th grade and the end of the summer leading to 8th grade. because this was obviously a big deal to her, she wanted her kids to look good for pictures. she wanted to cut my hair as a part of this, to my objection. while at the time i trusted her with my hair, she had taken my hair and given me a buzzcut. if i were to remember anything from this, it would be the tears after and her apologies, whether sincere or not, i didn't really care about them at the time. from then on, i had my eyes set on growing out my hair and approaching femininity. and that's really all i did, until puberty started affecting my voice. i didn't notice at first, but other people did. especially, and this is a memory i remember clearly, when my friend's (same friend as before) mom had noticed it. i remember her being shocked, saying "i hear your voice is deepening!" while it had caused me embarrassment and shame. i didn't want this. around this period i had begun my first attempt at vocal training, to raise and achieve a feminine voice. i got good enough by the end of 8th grade that my voice was closer to the girls' than the boys'. i won't talk about my family in this post, but let's say that i was outed during this same time.
in retrospect, this was about the happiest i had felt about myself since even before Bye Bye Birdie and all the negative affects puberty had caused me, but as teens grow more conscious of their surroundings, they grow more conscious of themself. during the summer between 8th and 9th grade, i had started to weigh myself on a regular basis, and had started thinking more about what and how much i eat. i never understood breakfast, so i would usually eat more during lunch and dinner to make up for a missed breakfast, but this wasn't the same type of meal skipping as before. summer enabled my bad and newly formed habits. i substituted a lunch for small snacks. i limited how much i ate, to about 2/3's of before. by this time, i thought that i was in the clear, i couldn't have an eating disorder, right? i don't weigh myself anymore, so surely its over. i wish that i was right. the same cuttings of food continued, i would sleep in until 2pm, snack until 6pm, eat dinner until i was 80% full, sometimes snack after, then sleep. the cycle repeated, worsening gradually. my instinct to eat until i couldn't eat more was suppressed, and i stopped having "cheat days". one day i had been talking to a sibling, about how i thought about food. she had noticed the way i talked about food was startilingly similar to how another friend of her's had, and they had anorexia. i confessed that i might have something, but that it didn't seem to impact me greatly.
two weeks ago, i had a physical. nothing happened that was worth further inspection, but my weight had dropped 10-15 pounds from the last time i had weighed myself. it was a shock to me, still is, but i'm right on the cusp of underweight. i'm still early in a possible eating disorder, so i can still work my way out without any consequences, but i've never talked to anybody about it professionally. only the occasional blurt with somebody close and i don't elaborate further. it does scare me, how this may progress. i've heard of other people with anorexia who are deeply misguided in their perception of themself, thinking 60 lbs. is too fat.
on a different, more societal topic, this is the first school year i will out myself to my school. of course, legislation makes it hard to do that when my mom doesn't want any pronouns changed until 18 (thanks, mom..). my classmates and even relatives will actively demean those queer or trans/nonbinary, etc. anybody different from them. they are quick to figure out who is different, and while some aren't as right-leaning, it is more common than not to talk bad behind a trans classmate's back about their "audacity" and how they are "delusional". i've already heard of them talking bad about me, way before now, by a cousin of mine i used to be close with. it especially is hard for me when i am the only transfem (except for a boy-moder who is still very much closeted) in the entire high-school. my safe haven of students is enough that i am not physically threatened, but i'm overwhelmed by the mass majority who aren't educated or are bigoted about my existence. i may come back in a month, and talk about this specific topic, but if i don't just assume i'm okay! :)
whew! longest blog by far, took me maybe 30 mins to an hour to write this, plus i have to be up at 7 am tomorrow and its currently 4:12 am as i write this. i love you all, and i promise i'll add a guestbook somewhat soon! toodles!